so I won’t ever belong

I could change the world, if I could

Only move from this position,

Fighting off the crushing knowledge

Of my bitter existence.


My headphones have a crack in the plastic, National Parks Week is coming up, and this past week has been the most normal post-Covid week in a while. Every moment, there’s the fear that it’s all fleeting and that the end is nigh. What if we’re all wrong or right or both? What if everything. I don’t know.

It’s pretty easy to walk into your restaurant and order a smoothie I’ll have an allergic reaction to later and a chicken sandwich I won’t finish. It’s pretty easy to come to your farm and purchase your wares and go home and have some sort of weird emotional episode. It’s also pretty easy to tune into your livestream, text you, and make a Zoom call. Actually, that last one is a lie because the Internet is a difficult thing for me to use. Also, maybe this is all a lie, because every few days I think I hate it all.

I’m going to attempt to take the CLT, I suppose, and maybe someday finish that Frank Sinatra documentary I started watching. Someday I’ll finish another manuscript, but right now, I’m surprised at how the world changes and the earth is asking me to burn. So I will stare at the ceiling until oblivion slips over me.

My dark circles are going to be intense tomorrow. Whatever.

But, ah, yes, it’s 11:11. Make a wish.

I don’t know what to wish for. The world is too confusing and I’m too tired. I think I’d like to not care, for just a moment, and be able to catch a break. Maybe then the world would slow its screaming, and our ears would quit bleeding, and I wouldn’t mind the march of time.

there’s a new bnl single, by the way.

4 thoughts on “so I won’t ever belong

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